Thoughts on Life
by TheIcePrincess98
Summary: Hiei reflects on his life, from his troubled past to his teammates.Just a one-shot peek into our favorite fire yokai's head.


Hiei stared silently up at the night sky. His thoughts were clouded once again by the constant threat of his unforgiving feelings coming to the surface. He was glad the others slept at night. He was glad none of them had a Jagan as he did. He was glad they didn't pry any more than they already did. He thought of Kuwabara. That idiot was always looking for trouble with Hiei. In truth, the fire demon didn't know why. He told it like it was and didn't understand why anyone should get mad over the truth. Of course, other truths were meant to be forgotten. His title as Yukina's brother was a main one. If she ever discovered the truth…

Hiei stopped himself as the ominous threat of his pent up emotions tried to claw to the surface once again. Damn them. What was it about him that caused the gods to curse his life from the moment of his birth? He had a remarkable memory and could remember that day as if it were yesterday. Those idiotic ice maidens! He should have killed them when he had the chance. But their eyes… Damn them! Why did they have to look so pathetic standing there in the freezing temperatures, looking as if they _wanted_ to die? They looked as if they were already dead! Everyone knows, even if they are just a young child, that you cannot kill something that was already dead. Then, there was Rui's story about his mother committing suicide after his supposed death.

He clenched his fists while squeezing his eyes shut. He was _glad_ she was dead. That idiot of a mother wasted so much agony of someone as horrible and evil as himself. She should have forgotten about him and raised his sister properly, instead of leaving her to the village elders. It was that woman's stupid actions that in the end caused Yukina to be captured by Tarukane and tortured. Gods how he hated that woman. She left his sister alone, spent so many unneeded tears, caused so many unnecessary deaths, and given birth to the Forbidden Child. Yes, he knew his haunting nickname well. He shouldn't have survived. If it wasn't for him…

Hiei stopped mid thought as he realized what state of chaos the world would have been in if he was never born to originally assist Gouki and Kurama in stealing the three artifacts from Spirit World. _Fine, I was supposed to live._ But that woman didn't have to commit suicide. It was her fault that idiot had fallen for his sister. She should have stayed in Koorime. She should have been raised properly and away from man's world. That was the reason the ice maidens secluded themselves in the first place. Men bring only pain and destruction. Hiei was no acceptation. He found some sick thrill in every innocent life he took, every terrified shriek as his blade tore through flesh, every sickening crunch as bones were smashed. Faces twisted in fear and pain- that was his picture of success.

Hiei brought his bandaged fist hard against an oak tree. Pain tore through his right arm, still injured from first using the Dragon of the Darkness Flame even after all this time. He just didn't care anymore. _Would the world really miss me if I vanished? If I was killed? All but a chosen few would celebrate the capture of the Forbidden Child, the Jaganshi, the Ameiko, the True Demon, the Killer, the Thief, the number three on the Makai Most Wanted List, the Shrimp? _

Hiei glared as he tasted Kuwabara's stupid nickname for him. The fire demon scowled. He might as well die right now. Wouldn't Koenma be surprised to see him? Unlikely. Hiei was supposed to die the day of his birth- drowning. He had wrestled the information from Koenma years ago, unsurprised by the result.

He hated those ice maidens. Yet, Hiei still wore their symbol around his own neck, the hirusenki stone. He gripped the necklace tightly, almost ripping it from his neck. However, he was unable to do so. With a heavy sigh, he released it, letting the pale blue stone fall back around his neck. The fire demon's fist swung out and slammed against the wall. Hiei winced as blood sprung from his knuckles, dripping down from cuts the wall had given him.

He just didn't _care_ anymore. The world was against him, so Hiei just let it do whatever the hell it wanted to to him. He stared up at the night sky, wondering what his use was to the world anymore. His sister was happily married to that oaf. Yusuke was training his and Keiko's kids to become spirit detective. Kurama was… who knew where Kurama was? Hiei looked down as he thought about his best friend. _Some best friend. He abandoned me just like everyone else. Hell, even Mukuro abandoned me, and I was her heir!_ Yes, Mukuro had found a new heir. She was young and fair and annoyingly optimistic. Mukuro took a liking to her immediately and wanted Hiei to mate with the girl. Mukuro kicked him out after he told his boss that the girl disgusted him. And so, Hiei found himself forced to live out his days at Genkai's temple.

Kuwabara and Yusuke's families were visiting the temple that weekend. Because Yukina was there (she had moved in with Kuwabara and Shizuru after the wedding), Hiei kept to himself, avoiding prying eyes. He didn't know if he could take a questioning look into his eyes. He remembered something he heard the fox say once. _The eyes are a portal into the soul…_ If that was the truth, Hiei vowed never to look anyone in the eye again. In his moment of weakness, he didn't realize his emotions leaking out.

Soft footsteps on the grass caused Hiei to turn quickly. Kuwabara and Yusuke were talking quietly and didn't notice him in the darkness. Well, they didn't notice him until he moved. _Shit. _Yusuke waved vigorously.

"Hey, Hiei. Out for a midnight walk too?"

"Yeah, what's u-"

Hiei cussed again as realized tears were slipping down his face.

"Hey Shrimp, what's wrong?"

"Hn. Nothing." Hiei turned from the pair.


End file.
